Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Post-graduation nostalgia

So it's the start of semester for some of my peers. I see their status updates on Twitter and Facebook about start-of-semester woes, and I feel a pang of envy.

I miss school. I miss going for lectures, tutorials, even those agonising three-hour seminars that I used to dread. I miss gossiping about lecturers, having breakfast in the canteen before class, those annoying preps promoting their bake sales or hall productions along the AS1 walkway. I miss the bustle along that common walkway, dodging past gaggles of people to get to class. I miss the start-of-semester anticipation of the content I'm about to learn, the assignments I'd have to do, the new people I'm going to meet and work with.

University was the best part of my academic life. I know I've moaned and bitched about the pointlessness of what I was learning, but compared to the curriculum of secondary school and junior college, university has exposed me to so many more trend of thoughts, ideas, theories, and encouraged me to think longer and deeper about the things I read, as well as approach it from different perspectives. I know I risk sounding like a nerd, but I truly enjoyed writing those (individual) papers for assignment. I remember scouring the library and Google books for references and links, and there was always, always room for independent thought and expression. The best lecturers I've had in NUS were those who encouraged in-class discussion and facilitated it well. Language and the Workplace, and Language Planning and Policy were the two modules I learned a lot from. Prof Wee is concise, eloquent (I swear, he talks like he's writing a thesis. If I transcribe his lecture, you'd understand. How does that mind of his spin so quickly!). Heavenly Mathematics was another module that I enjoyed thoroughly, because Prof Aslaksen (I really hope I got that spelling right) was so passionate about what he was teaching it practically radiates from him. It seems the role of the educator shouldn't be undermined in the process of learning.

Three years, over just like that. Part of me wishes I were back in school, while another part is happy where I am interning at Cosmo.

I'd like to stay on, if they have a position open. Pay aside, this is what I want. This internship allows me to attend events where I meet different people from different industries, get to know what they do; plus, I get to write about these events (tastings, product launches, etc). I've been to other interviews for other industries and jobs, and the working environment either seems too stale, or there is no corporate ladder to scale, or the job scope just bores me no end. After an interview last week, I returned to the Cosmo office and the difference in the working environment was so palpable. Here, it's bustling and humming with activity and voices. And the topics aren't about finance, the economy, politics and the like. Here, we talk about fluffy things: makeup, beauty products, scents, boys, fashion, food, travel. The only thing I can think of that's holding me back is the pay. But we can't have the best of both worlds, right?

I can't believe I'm ending this entry with a cliche. But it is what is it (and there's another cliche for you!).

Friday, August 10, 2012

the highs and lows of solitude


So, I had lunch with my colleagues on Wednesday. Major wow. Because, me, lunch, with colleagues. Me, a hermit who'd usually rather have lunch with a book and my mp3 for company. And you know, it was nerve-wracking, yes, but it wasn't half-bad. I managed to converse (occasionally) with the three of them without appearing like a weirdo or a fool. I looked almost normal.

And last night, my relatives came over and I actually sat in the living room (for a short while) and engaged in a conversation with them that wasn't half-awkward.

I like to think I'm able to handle social situations with grace and ease, and everyone I meet falls under my spell and adore my charming, endearing self - and even if they don't like me, that I don't care because I'm too comfortable in my skin to care about a few haters. But of course, that isn't true. The truth is, I worry  too much about how I'm perceived by people. Sure, it's easy to think that I'm beyond caring about what others think about me. But I'm always too worried about whether I'm too boring or weird or idiotic company, or whether people would rather hang out with someone other than me. And as a result, I clam up. I run a million conversation starters and topics through my head and gun down every one of them because they're too boring, weird or idiot (as above). And then my silence makes the people around me even more uncomfortable because, why is this strange girl not talking? Is she bored, tired, stuck-up, or just plain rude? The whole process of hanging out then becomes equally painful for every party.

People think I'm too standoffish, and I guess that's true. But it's not because I dislike them enough not to want to talk to them, but because I don't know what to say. It sometimes gets tiring, worrying so much about what others think. But I can't help it. I think too much. Everyone who knows me tells me that.

I find it easier to convey my thoughts (and personality) in words. You get to think through them (see, again with the thinking - which, in itself, isn't a bad thing, but nothing is ever in itself, is it?) before you put them out there to be carried by the wind, never to be retrieved again.

I used to be normal enough with company, back when I was in secondary school and junior college, and I saw so many people my age everyday. Making friends isn't difficult for me, but maintaining a friendship is the tricky bit. Because it's easy for people to decide you're too much trouble (more trouble than you're worth) and walk out of your life. Especially when they aren't even related to you. It's so easy for people not to make the effort to meet up or hang out and let the friendship fizzle out.

After junior college, when daily social interaction wasn't a must (and also because my closest friends were in polytechnic, and were still schooling while I was free of it), I had more me-time than I ever had in my life. I got used to the idea of walking around town alone, watching a movie alone, shopping alone, having lunch alone... You get the idea. That wasn't a bad thing, per se. Because I had things to do. Like writing the novel I had always wanted to write but was too busy with exams to do so. In those couple of months till the end of 2008, I completed my first standalone novel (that I don't feel the urge to burn upon reading) When the Lilies Turn Orange. Then, it just got easier and easier to be alone - I didn't feel like a loser hanging out with myself. In fact, it was liberating to be unencumbered by company. I could go wherever I liked at any time I pleased without having to consult my company or taking into account what anyone else wanted to do or go, and when.

And that was the start of my solitary lifestyle.

When I entered university, having a co-curricular activity wasn't mandatory, so I wasn't too active in school. And I didn't go for orientation activities, a decision I don't regret even now, because the idea of travelling all the way to school just to play pointless games for three whole days and cheer for your tribe or whatever still doesn't appeal to me. Also, given that everyone basically takes different modules every semester, it's hard to find (and keep) a solid group of friends in school or form friendships that will last for life. In my experience, that is. My closest group(s) of friends are still those I've made in secondary school and junior college.

Before you start thinking I'm a misanthrope, though, I'll state that I don't hate people or mankind, in general. They're mostly nice enough upon first encounter. It's just that they occasionally get tiring to be around, with their own judgements about you, their own value systems and opinions and preferences and expectations of you and their demands. Most of the time people are fine. Sometimes, it's just easier being alone. With a book and an mp3.

Thursday, August 02, 2012

I could get used to this

It's my third day as an intern at Cosmopolitan Singapore, and I've pretty much figured out my daily routine.

5.30am: Wake up
6am: Travel to the swimming complex
6.30am: Swim
7.30am: Travel home
8am: Prepare to go to work
8.30am: Set off for the office
9am - 6pm: Work
6.30pm: Reach home
7pm: Dinner
10pm: Lights out

I know. It's the control freak in me. I need routine, I need structure, I need control. That feeling of letting go and cutting yourself some slack? Freaks me out. As long as I have a standard daily schedule, which involves (most importantly) my morning swim, I'm a happy girl ready to take on whatever faces me at work.

And work. Here we are, at last, one foot in the industry I've wanted to be a part of since I was 17 and was advised to start thinking about my future. And Cosmopolitan is one of my favourite magazines - along with Glamour and CLEO - so where better to work than here?

Day One of my internship was almost crushingly dull, since I was just expected to read past issues of the magazine as well as the Cosmo blog to familiarise myself with the writing style. But since I'm a regular reader of the magazine and the blog, I found myself re-reading old articles. Which was fine, I suppose, since I can't expect much of my first day. I'd just been building up all this anticipation in me. There are two other interns - W, who's been around for three weeks, and S, who started a day before me - as well as a new beauty writer C, who started a day before me too. Good thing I'm not the only newbie around because in this environment full of smart and beautiful go-getting women, it can seem a little daunting at times.

Day Two got better, since I was tasked to write the Cosmo Weekend Guide, a weekly section on the Cosmo blog that recommends places to eat, drink and play for the weekend. I was given a quick tutorial on editorials, advertorials and advertisements, too, and gained access to the interns' shared email, which I studied to understand the sort of events Cosmo gets invited to and the products she has access to and is asked to write about. There are hair product launches, wine and food tastings, Kenzo perfume testings, clothe-sourcings (for the fashion interns - sadly, I can't go along since I'm an editorial intern), and on and on. The fashion interns are out every afternoon to go sourcing for clothings that fit a theme the fashion editor sets. Then they come back (with bags and bags of borrowed clothings) and review the clothings, look for images of celebrities wearing a certain trend.

Since Cosmo's office is shared with other Singapore Press Holdings magazines like Harper's Bazaar, CLEO, Shape, and the like, I get to experience not just what it's like in Cosmo, but also these other magazines. Yeah, no earth-shattering revelations, since everyone's just busy at work in their cubby-holes, but I can hear the conversations amongst Harper's Bazaar writers (HB is right next to Cosmo), and boy are they an energetic bunch.

Tomorrow, I have to attend a hair product launch at Swissotel the Stamford at 10am, in place of the editorial assistant. I know this industry isn't all glitz and glamour - I mean, sure, they get beauty product samples and go for tastings and meet pretty people occasionally, but some of them work long hours and are always rushing everywhere for this event and that and sometimes have to eat lunch at their desks - but this is what I've always wanted (apart, of course, from being a full-time author) and this is what I signed up for, so I'd just like to say: this is the start of something good.

In other news, I've met up with my editor, Geraldine, who's going to work with me on my manuscript LAMBS FOR DINNER all the way till publication in December. It's planned to hit the shelves in January next year, if all goes well. I'll post more details about it as we go along! And a big thank you to those who've messaged me regarding this! I appreciate your support. Basically, for now, what might change is the title, since Geraldine thought the link between the story and the title is a little tenuous. I just need to clean up my manuscript and submit the draft by the end of this month, then send it to Straits Times Press for further editing. Given my packed schedule now, though, with driving lessons and the tuition lessons I'm giving on weekends, I can only squeeze in pockets of time for editing while I'm on the bus home or to and from the pool. Still, I can't complain. This is everything I've ever wanted.

Yesterday and today morning, I went for my morning swim earlier than I've ever been. I used to swim at 8am, but because of work I have to swim earlier (I don't like swimming in the evenings because the water's too warm for comfort and because the pool is packed). And between 6.30am and 7.30am, that's when day breaks. I start out when the stars are still hanging in the sky, and I can still see the full moon and Venus, the morning star, and Mercury, steady and constant - and by the time I'm done with my 40 laps, the sky is a gentle shade of pink and orange. The air is cool and crisp, and it's simple beautiful moments like these that make me so thankful I can enjoy all this.

Like I said, give me my morning swim and I'm a happy girl.